Originally Posted by
Florence 
Shannon, I saw on another thread where you're still living with your AH while you sort out the divorce... How are you able to get through the day with the tension and his abuse? What do you do to stay sane?
Al-anon - lots of meetings, calls to my sponsor!! Learning how to detach from my AH and his behavior has lead me to making better choices that have significantly reduced how much abuse I receive. I no longer stay present when he's in a pissy mood. I don't talk to him unless I absolutely have to which really limits my opportunities to get sucked into the dance.
It's not easy - at all - to cohabitate. There are days that I find myself frustrated and mad at the whole process. Yesterday I was angry - wanting to get the process over and done with already. I was mad that AH was dragging his feet. So, I found myself spinning - trying to figure out how to get it moving, how to make him submit his paperwork... I was scheming on how I could just move out early.
I felt completely out of control - because I was. I called my sponsor, who very gently got me back to Step One. I am powerless over the timeframe of this divorce, house sale, etc. My tendency is to want to control - to live my will and when I do that - all hell breaks loose! So, I am letting go, and accepting that life is going on God's time, not Shannon's. I need to keep suiting up and showing - do what I need to do, and then let go of the outcome. I spoke with my attorney who also reminded me - "No moves yet. I will tell you when it's time."
One thing that I need to definetely do more of is self-care. I need to do a better job of delineating Shannon Time. It seems that I spend all my free time as Mommy Time, which I don't mind because I feel like a much better parent now than ever before... but I still need a break. I need to be gentle with myself or I will get run-down and then melt-down.
Someone once told me that the right decision is not always the easy decision. And that's so true in my case. The right decision is to stay put until the legal agreements are in place. It's hard, hard, hard - but it IS the right thing to do. The easy thing would be for me to force the situation - pack up the kids and move out leaving AH standing in my cloud of dust. But, while it would be easy NOW, it would absolutely cause more work later. Running out the door would be me reacting... and lord knows I've already done enough of that in my life! Through recovery I'm learning to not react, but to take time to sit with my discomfort so I can figure out the right/best decisions for me/the kids.
Hope that helps. In no way is this a happy, joyous and free life I'm in right now... but it is part of the journey towards my new life.
-Shannon