Wishingdreaming, sending hugs if OK. I remember the feeling that I was a mess (if I recall correctly, I thought I was a toxic mess), sometimes those feelings come back, but I am slowly becoming aware of this fact:
I was not the mess. It was the situation that I was in that was a mess. Yes, my friends and family were afraid for me, they were tired of seeing me accept the mess as my lot. However, they did not think I was the toxin. I am very sure that's how your friends feel, too.
When I first left now-XAH, I did the same thing CarolStar mentions: I carried around a list of the nasty things life with XAH came with. When ever I felt like I was forgetting, I re-read and sometimes added to it. The urge to call generally faded as I was pondering the the list.
You're not the mess, you just need to find your way out of a mess, and you will. You've already started looking for the route.