wishing..I have no room for advice. I can just relate. ALL of what you want and hope for, is normal. Don't fault yourself on that. It's just that damn disconnect between what we believed was in our reach..and the reality of what is. I SO respect the wisdom of those who have been able to detach and move on. I have not yet been able to reach that point, either.
I know what I should do. I know what I have been ABLE to do.
Excuse me, I think I want to find a wall to kick.