Today I was feeling very frightened, since I have not been to Al-anon meetings yet to get evern more support for my enabling. However, reading the post this morning has helped me so much. I have such a long, long way to go..I tried, or rather I did remain calm when my husband told me today that after his knee surgery he was not going to any #$%^$# PT for his knee. I was worried and concerned for him, because he is in the martial arts, however, for the first time in our married life (22 years). I did not push, threaten, coerce, bribe, beg or belittle him for not taking charge of his own wellness. I feel very empty and frightened. I feel like I'm not being a good wife, I simply said you might not get full mobility of your leg if you don't have PT. I said, however, it's up to you. He did not tell me to call for him to back out. Which is good because I was not going to come to his rescue to back out. However, right now I don't know whats right and wrong. I feel like I'm not a good wife for pushing him to go to PT. I did however, mention I thought it was in his best interest and then didn't say more. Oh my gosh right now I feel so bad as a wife.
Lorilai's post about feeling proud and that "what would the H do without her" really hit home for me. Up until a few days ago I would say that all the time. Also, I would say no one else would put up with you. I know I degraded him and belittled him. I made him relay on me and like she said I was proud that he did. What a sick proud I was and am. Geez...I'm frightened! What would I do it I had not find this site. I know I'm not alone.
All of these post are keeping me going toward recovery, but it seems unnatural and uncomfortable right now. I really need to find a local Al-anon meeting.