Ohhhh, gosh, you reminded me of some things that have happened in my past, too. This is all very familiar. First, I'm sorry for your loss. I believe we have angels...
I will tell you a few things I learned and I am still learning on my path.
1. You cannot define you by what anyone else says about you or to you. As a matter of fact, when I learned that it's really none of my business what other people think of me, it's made me more free to think of myself.
2. About his alcoholism, you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you certainly cannot cure it.
3. Strong physical attraction is *very* common in alcoholic's hostage-taking (they don't have relationships, they take hostages).
4. You may want to address your signs of depression while you're in the process of healing. You do have some intense things going on all at once. Please take care of your health, and the rest will follow. Please see a doctor about your symptoms. I'm glad I did.
5. Reaching out for support is really good step work. Have you had a chance to look at Step One to see if you're there yet?
I kept reading here, learning, talking and working. It's a process and a commitment to a healthy, happy, serene life. You get to decide what you want, and then we can try to show you what's worked for us. Out of that, you may find something that works for you, too.
((((HUGS))))