wishingdreaming

I just wanted to say how much this forum has helped me, even though I haven't managed to fully detach and go no contact with my ex I find a lot of strength and encouragement here and have learned so much from other peoples experiences.

I had a heart to heart with one of my close friends and she has told me that a lot of my friends, including her, are losing respect for me for even giving my ex the time of day. I have got to the point where I try to avoid talking about him around my friends because I don't want to burden them or listen to a lecture so it's not like I'm constantly complaining about him, they are just worried. As an outsider she sees the way he disrespects me and takes me for granted and basically pointed out every thing that he has done to me and that I have gone from his girlfriend to basically the person he calls when he wants to get some or wants taken care of. I know I need to go no contact but despite what my head is telling me I am still extremely physically attracted to him and I keep hoping things will change. I thought we could go back to casually dating and just have fun and sometimes it works but I'm not really a casual dating kind of girl and I want to get married and have kids so obviously I should get rid of him. I think I might be to the point where I need to go talk to a therapist or someone because I just can't handle this anymore.

Logically I KNOW this is a bad relationship for me, I mean he actually pooped on my bedroom floor (which I discussed in a previous post), drives drunk probably 3-4 times a week, and he's probably cheated on me...plus I was pregnant a few months ago and he spent the weekend out with his friends getting wasted while I stayed home crying, he left within an hour of when I told him I was pregnant and I didn't see him for 3 days after that. I had a miscarriage a few days later which I am guessing was due stress and since then I have just been a complete mess. I wish I could just move away or somehow fast forward a few months so I don't feel this sad, I feel like I'm feeling worse instead of better as time goes on and I've gone from this confident, successful, happy girl to someone who's life is out of control and is always sad, anxious, and on edge. When I manage to drag myself out of bed in the morning I feel like I have to spend a lot of time putting myself together to hide what I'm going through and most of the time I would rather just stay in bed...I literally have to give myself a pep talk just to get out of bed most mornings. I have so much to be happy and thankful for, even the miscarriage was probably a blessing in disguise, but all I can do is focus on how great things would be if only he cut back on the drinking and grew up....and he's in his mid 30s so it's highly unlikely that will happen. I know if I don't end things and move on now the rest of my life will probably be full of unhappiness and pain, I just cannot seem to do it.

Sorry for such a depressing post, I just really needed to vent and hopefully I have reached the bottom and things will get better going forward.