It's great to see you back with us. It sounds like you're ready to end the insanity.
Dee is right - it's never too late, and no one is hopeless. I drank my whole adult life and couldn't imagine how I'd get by without it. Now, I am almost 4 yrs. sober and I rarely think about alcohol. You can get to that point, too. Please don't give up on yourself - you can do this.