for the first time i recognize that i feel alone and lonely. i feel that i cannot go on this way. i am going crazy again with the 'what ifs' and i whats going on and whats going to happen. i am ONLY just learning about my roll in this and having to save myself. my issue is and always has been having the strength/willingness to do it. i never have not believed that the person still exists deep down. as for enabling, i have been good about that. i dont believe that i am just an enabler to her. the thing i need to stick to is that --
well, i realize that i have done everything to keep whatever it is we have between us, but i need her to start doing some work. and i have to stay firm about her saying that she will do whatever it takes to be with me. i have to set that down. but i get afraid that she'll say fine and just keep on going. but maybe i need that. i need to not project.
all i know is that i feel like an empty shell at the moment far from how i felt a couple weeks ago.