Watchful,
Thank you for telling your story. I am a female 59 years old, went to rehab at 35, sober for 8 years, drank, sober for 9 years, then started drinking again 4 years ago when I moved to Austin from Atlanta to escape an abusive husband. I am now 83 days sober, and feel fortunate to not be in jail or six feet under.
Your story sounds a lot like mine, I totally relate (unfortunately). Please, please stop drinking. I know it does no good to plead, but let me tell you - you are very, very lucky to not have had tragic consequences because of your drinking (me too). You know it is only a matter of time before your luck will run out. And, as you know, this is progressive. Each time I got sober again after falling off the proverbial wagon it was harder to quit drinking. And I don't know how old you are, but drinking will not only destroy your health (if you aren't healthy you don't have anything), it also messes with your looks, big time. I recently saw a friend I hadn't seen since I quit drinking and she wouldn't stop asking me what I did to look so healthy. I guess not having a bloated face and red eyes didn't do much for me.
I know you don't need preaching to, I am sorry if I come off that way. It is just that I have been where you are - it is so painful and very, very scary. I get scared even now thinking of it. I am so very sorry you are going through this. It is living hell.
You don't want to know what your bottom is. You don't have to live this way, you really don't. Bless you.