I have a long story, but I will try to condense it as much as I can. Hell,I may have evem told this story here beofre, it' been so long.
I drank a beer for the first time at 15. It was disgusting. Marijuana. however, was not. I began using that, LSD, and MDMA regularly by the time I was sixteen until 17. I conceived my 1st son at 17 and laid off the drugs for a while but picked them back up when my son was a toddler. Then it was alcohol and cocaine, primarily, until I turned 21, then I saw no need to continue using illegal drugs when I could get as f**ed up as I wanted to, so long as I didn't drive, hurt anyone, etc.
I have been a bringe drinker since I was 21. Hell, everyone I know was (and is, pretty much) a binge drinker. It didn't bother me. I still dabbled in cocaine here and there but that lost its appeal long ago. But God, did I love to get drunk. The freedom. I turned from a shy loner into everyone's best friend. I danced better while intoxicated. I turned into a much more sexually uninhibited person.
When I was about 22/23, I got so drunk at Pleasure Island at Disney World in Orlando, that I could not get up from the bathroom stall. I had vomited repeatedly all down the front of my dress, and absolutely could not move. I begged and pleaded with the strangers in there to please take me to the hospital, but they refused. They had to wheel me out of the bathroom to the hotel shuttle, where I continued to vomit all the way back to the hotel. I felt so bad about that.
That didn't stop me though. I've driven drunk so many times I've lost count. I've never had a DUI, an accident or been arrested because of anything I did while drunk. However, here are some of the things I DID do while drunk:
- sleep with people I didn't like
- flirt with married people
- make out with a man while I was married
- drive my son around in the car while drinking
- drink at work
- drink at 7:00 AM to help a hangover
- act like a complete and total ass.
The most recent severe episode was about 2 months ago. I went out with some girlfriends and drank WAAAYYY more than I should have. I couldn't even walk, yet I insisted on driving. I literally could not see straight. I had to drive with one eye closed because I was seeing double. I had to stop in a parking lot to vomit, then got back in the car and wet home. I got in the bath, thinking it would help, but then found out I could not get out. So, I just leaned over the side of the tub and repeatedly puked all over the bath mat.
I justify it in my mind by saying, "Oh, I'm not that bad. I've never been arrested, never been in a fight, haven't lost a job, haven't lost custody of my kids, have a nice house, car, etc...." It's like this is a pissing contest in my mind!?!?!?
I have abused my prescribed clonazepam (Klonopin) multiple times. I stopped drinking two weeks ago, but guess what I did this weekend"? Had a Klonopin binge. I had been hoarding the stuff for months, because I haven't felt like I wanted or needed it. But I'm popping them like Chiclets now.
I am scared. I know I'm going to have to get rid of the stuff TONIGHT.
I went to an AA meeting last night. I felt out of place, as I usually do. I feel like my drug/alcohol problem isn't as bad as theirs, and I can just handle it on my own. BUT...I have NO sober friends. NONE. I don't know what the f**k am I going to do with my life. This is how I know I'm serious. Because I am scared to death. This is a major life change. I want to go to AA, for the social support and to meet other sober folks, but I feel like I'm not "one of them". I don't smoke, as well (something else I quit), and that makes me feel like an outsider. I also don't want to say that I am powerless over alcohol/drugs. I just can't get with that.
Sorry this was so long, but I have to get this out. I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to about this. They will minimize my past behaviors and are basically no help. They mean well, but they don't understand.
I am SCARED. I don't want this to be my life. I need help. I don't like asking for help and never getting to the point where I feel like I can give someting back, and it is getting old. This has been going on for too long.
