Chicory, I truly appreciated your honest share. It's healing for me when I realize that I'm not alone. I too wish there was a trick to make it go away. I also sometimes wish for a "recovery pill". Unfortunately, I think the process of working through this stuff is what makes me healthier.
I've been thinking a lot about how much pressure I'm putting on my husband. It's almost as if I want him to make up for all the wrongs done by my father and abusive boyfriends of the past. I want him and our relationship to be perfect, yet at the same time I keep anticipating something will go wrong. Even after 16 years and two children, I have a bit of a wall in place and an exit strategy. Subconsciously I want to be able to say, "See ... I'm not suppose to trust people!"
My sister and I used to have a similar unhealthy interaction with each other. When we lived together she would often buy me things and occasional make special meals. Then we would have an argument over something and she would accuse me of abandoning her and not acting like a true sister. Can't tell you how many times I would hear "After all that I do for you, how can you do this to me!!!!". I think we basically were replaying the relationship between our mother/father and our father/us over and over again.
Starting to feel like I'm now doing the same thing to my husband :-(
Thanks for letting me share.
db