dbh,
I, too, am an aca. my father was an alcoholic. he was in and out of my life as a child. he would promise to quit drinking, and then after a while, he would just disappear, for months at a time.
I almost cant believe how much you and I are alike! Jealousy has always been my "dirty little secret", and no one, in my life, ever understood me, or my jealousy. it has been more powerful than anyone or anything in my life. the most resilient too.
I have been married four times. the first time, for 12 years. had three wonderful kids. but he was a selfish man, lied about many things. at 16 i was married, mostly to escape my mother , who was abusive verbally. i waited 4 years to have my first baby. i was never secure, always insecure and jealous. he was never a player. just hunted and fished. but left me alone a lot. i did not have a license yet. i would question him all the time. it did not help that he was a pathological liar-lol.
after that marriage, i dated an alcoholic,. and he was a player. i was insecure then too. others noticed my jealous questionings. i felt less than , and abnormal. no one acted like i did. we broke up, as he cheated.
my next marriage , i loved this man hopelessly. he was beautiful! like a rugged Pierce Brosnan, and I was so insecure. i questioned him about any woman he mentioned. it came between us, and he would not continue counselling, after i proved i was out of control of my jealousy. i tried so hard. i could not understand myself. i hated it. we divorced.
the next two, i did the same with. could not control my doubts and i would question, and find other ways to ask the same questions, hoping it would not be so obvious. i got counselling myself, and still it didnt help me to over come my insecurity.
it did not help that i chose men who were attracted to me physically before they really knew me. wanted that mother figure that i can be so well. but then, when i feel close, i get that scared , uneasy feeling. like nothing is going to work out. that i am not enough.
when i would begin to date, it was nice, i felt in control. but after falling for someone, i turned into a person who had a hidden secret. and it would finally come out. i could not control it, no matter what. my kids would even say, mom, we dont want you to date, cause you will just end up being jealous, and question and accuse. they knew i had a pattern. they thought i could control it though. and i could not.
it has been such a shame ful secret. i felt like, run the other way, guy, cause i will eventually mess this up.
i prayed, and begged to be different. once a counsellor told me that if i had met a man who was loving enough to build my trust and not break it, that i would be able to over come it. i dont know about that one.
between a man and a woman, there is always the chance for one to let the other down. but that should not make us worry about it happening, before it does. and we cannot change that. we cannot have 100% security, but we should be able to depend on ourselves, to know that no matter what, we have ourselves. that was never much of a comfort to me. i want guarantees. but, there are none. it is not fair to expect guarantees from another person. but love makes that risk worth taking.
if i could go back and change one thing, it would be to be without jealousy. it has controlled my life, most of my life actually. i would go crazy if my husband looked at a play boy, or watched nudity on a movie. i just could not stand it. it seemed so wrong. and it may have been due to being brought up by an oldfashioned grandma. i still dont like wathching those things, but that might be painful cause i had an uncle by marriage who wrongly fondled me and my sisters when we were young. i wonder if that might have been some of my problem with trusting a man?
Thank you for listening. and for sharing. i feel less a freak now. i wish others in my life had understood.
hugs
chicory