I dbh.......I have always Identified with you and Another Member from another Board that Has closed down.
I am Male as you Know,but I am exactly like you.
I fear Abandonment.........Try to avoid Arguments for fear of Same.
I love my wife...the way I love....Im a Father....a worker ,a decent Man.
I'm no Saint.........but Im making Progress.
I Do things and go places I dont want to....I can sometimes turn the thoughts into,ah sure I might as well go It wont do me any harm..I cant be refusing requests all the time in my head....If I dont do x or go y I wont be Liked and mabie this time she'll Abandon me.
Fear/Terror and Anxiety envelopes me...thoughts....like I will not be able to cope on my own.
"I can only imagine how my 14 year old would feel if she thought anything was going to happen to either of us."
But in hindsight this is Exactly what I've done in childhood.....I seemingly could only trust myself..................and then some.
I trusted myself to a certain extent as a child......but what I really needed was nurturing.
I was made to feel,by my Mother= Important, Reliable,trustworthy..........which in turn put alot of Pressure on me as a Child.I was consulted in lots of Adult Situations............Like,Mammy saying to me= how am I going to get Money from Daddy before he spends it......I need it for The Household Goods Etc.
I would be Sent to find him in town and get the Household money from him.
Pressure...............He was always nice about it...............but looking back he was in Company and Im sure he did not like been asked for Household Money.
This Constant Living on the edge....has me the way I still am.
Fights/Argumants/.....................Whats going to happen to me If one , KILLS the other............Or one leaves...or the Police has to be called...will we all be sent away to Locked up Prison/Reformatary Schools............Will THIS TERROR EVER END>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>MY heart beats so fast I think its going to bust........I cant Sleep................This is wher its all coming from.
Im one of the Greatest People I know.....I survived..Im here...Years of addiction could not put me down.......I have you dbh.....and many others to prove that its not all made up to make me feel better...............HP why....................why not.....this is the way it is/WAS.Thanks.
I get so anxious typing...thats it....Cheers.