It is funny how things sort of pop into my conscientiousness and demand attention. I have this feeling that jealousy and trust is what I need to work on next.
I have known my husband for twenty years and we have been together for sixteen of those twenty. I do trust him. I trust him with my life and I trust him with our children. He's reliable and dependable. We have a good marriage and usually work well together.
However, the minute he talks about a female co-worker or college friend I go a bit crazy. I ask silly questions ... is she pretty, is she single, does she have children, how often to you talk, etc. I immediately look at these women as threats. Threats to my marriage and threats to the life that took me so long to build.
We didn't get married until I was in my mid-thirties and deciding to marry him too a huge leap of faith for me. There was something about falling in love that made me feel vulnerable. I didn't like giving up the perceived control I had over my life. Everything was hard in the beginning - combining households, combining finances, etc. I was so used to only being able to rely on myself. Relying only on myself felt "safe".
I also have this tendency to want to "run" at the first sign of a disagreement. I think an argument "proves" he doesn't love me enough or that I'm not right for him. Can't tell you how many times I have asked if he wanted a divorced during the 13 years we have been married. He's also an ACA, so I'm thinking that's probably why he's been able to tolerate this nonsense for so long. He has told me that he finds my behavior hurtful at times.
I have improved. Recovery has helped me be less reactive, to have more self-confidence, and to be less of a victim. However, I still a problem with jealousy, trust, and control.
I used to also have these irrational fears that my husband and children would have an accident when he took them out without me. This I believed was linked to me knowing that I can't control everything. Also, growing up in the environment that I did, I'm sort of always waiting for bad things to happen. I still have this underlying fear that the rug can be pulled out from under me without any notice.
When I start feeling fearful now, I make an effort to turn things over to my HP. Maybe that's what I need to do when irrational thoughts about my husband pop up - turn my thoughts/obsessions over to my HP?
Not sure if this will even make sense to anyone.
I appreciate your feedback.
Thank you for letting me share.
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