So, I'm grateful for where I am today. As I detach from the insanity, I see how my better choices/behavior really does make things better
. No, it doesn't make my STBXAH better... It allows me to not participate and fuel the drama.
My life before recovery was a pendulum... That only swung to the extremes. I was either completely right, and a victim to AH, his disease/behavior...or I was completely in the wrong, full of dysfunction and responsible for all the crap. The slightest mistake, and I was apologizing for pretty much everything. It was a vicious merry-go-round that never stopped.
Today, I own my part and that's it. I don't allow my STBXAH to push his crap onto me. I am respectful to him... Because that's how I want to be as a person. I do it in spite of his choice to be snippish with me. I openly communicate with him, in spite of his silent treatment. I won't trash his reputation to others... In spite of the nasty rumors he is spreading about me.
I'm going to rise above all that and live with dignity. I do not blame him for our entire demise. I own my part, and I vow to continue work on and heal me. What he choices for himself... Is none of my business anymore. And that, feels amazing.
When I find myself thinking about him/something he did or said/something someone said about him... I quickly stop myself. I say the serenity prayer and I refocus my thoughts to me. And surprisingly, the anxiety and pain decreases, almost immediately.
I don't know what the future holds... But I know I'm moving forward, and that whatever happens will be my HPs will for me... And that everything will be okay. Today, I have faith. Truth faith. I pray, so I do not worry.
When the program "clicks"... It is amazing.
Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon