ClimbingBack

Hi everyone –

I found this site while seeking out some other support groups in addition to AA/NA. I’ve been clean since June 23, 2011, after getting arrested (again) on felony drug charges. I checked into a 28-day inpatient treatment program which made me truly focus on the devastation my addiction had caused myself and those around me. I have been focusing intensely on maintaining sobriety ever since, but truthfully it has not been difficult. I say that because the difference between my life now and the way it was before has been light and day – I can’t imagine turning back.

The past week I’ve been focusing on the “Step 1” of tradition 12-step programs – admitting I’m powerless over my addiction and my life had become unmanageable. I sat down and wrote out an exhaustive list of drugs that I’d taken over my 10 year run, and came up with a scenario in each instance where all of them had brought me to my knees. From heroin to keyboard cleaner to ketamine to crack, I abused them all until my body would shut down in one way or another. What I struggled with was the unmanageability part, because I was so good at deluding myself into thinking my life was manageable leading up to my arrest. I was getting up early, exercising, eating very well, running a legitimate web design business, and interacting with positive members of society. I was no longer taking ‘street drugs’ (I stopped those for the most part 3 years ago), but rather massive doses of Adderall, Klonopin, Xyrem (prescription GHB), anabolic steroids, and alcohol. I reasoned that I needed the Adderall for undiagnosed ADHD, Klonopin for undiagnosed anxiety disorder, Xyrem for narcolepsy, steroids for undiagnosed hypogonadism, and alcohol because it was socially acceptable. In other words, I was completely delusional. It’s funny looking back at how much that made sense to me at the time – how I had so completely convinced myself that what I was doing was normal.

Fast forward to the present. I’m still getting up early, exercising, eating well, running a web design business, but I no longer have drugs coarsing through my veins 24/7. I can sleep well at night, have a more honest and open relationship with my girlfriend, and not deal with the constant anxiety of wondering when I have to start tapering everything down and ween myself off. I still have a long road ahead of me – I’m looking at 1 year in jail sometime after Christmas. If I hadn’t used the time in treatment to adjust my mindset, I wouldn’t be able to come to terms with the jail sentence. At this point, it’s something that’s out of my hands that I will deal with when it comes. I look at it as more sober time – time I can use to read, write, workout, and reflect.

What has helped me is building a network of people who I can keep in touch with who are my age – almost all of them are people I met at rehab. I surrounded myself with ‘the winners’ – people I knew were serious about staying clean, and have proven that through continued sobriety. I have begun studying Buddhism and integrating its principles with 12-Step programs: two books I highly recommend are The 12-Step Buddhist by Darren Littlejohn and Mindfulness and the 12-Steps by Therese Jacobs-Stewart. I meditate daily, attend 12-step meetings in addition to LifeRing meetings, and work with a sponsor.

I think what has helped me the most is convincing myself that I can never use drugs or alcohol again – that the consequences of even one slip up would be so severe it would be devastating. In a large sense, I know that’s true. It has helped me to stay scared not only of drugs/alcohol, but the person I become when I begin to use. I have no ‘off’ switch.

My only hangup with 12-Step programs is the concept of a Higher Power. I’m an atheist, and I don’t think any amount of meeting attendance will change that. I think that through willpower and group support I can stay sober, but I’m open to ideas suggesting otherwise. I think for some people the spirituality component comes easier than for others – I’ve certainly had plenty of events in my life that would convince others that “someone has a plan for me”, but I chalk that up to amazing luck. That hasn’t stopped me from “working the steps”, because I don’t want to use a lack of belief in Higher Power as an excuse not to give the program an honest shot.

Anyway, it’s great to find an online community of like-minded people. I’m really looking forward to spending time here getting to know people, learning new things, and hopefully helping some people out.

best,
c