Thanks again to everyone for their insight. I did attend a meeting last week. It was a "step" meeting, and they were somewhere around 5... but everyone was welcoming and patient and I even found I had some relevant contributions to the discussion. I will be attending a different one tomorrow.
I did tell my AW that I was doing reading on al-anon, codependency, and would be attending meetings. I let her know that it was something I needed to do to take care of myself, that her drinking was her own business and I knew nothing I did or said was going to change that, but that I would be working on how I let it affect me. She just listened, dropped a few typical comments about how my disapproving looks or passive agressive attempts to avoid situations where drinking would be encouraged somehow MAKE her want to drink more, which I expected and ignored. I'm working a little more every day on not caring or worrying or thinking about how much she's drinking. Mostly pretending I dont care at this point, but hopefully my mind will follow my body in that course of action eventually. Trying to just do my own thing and tune her out when it gets uncomfortable, not interacting when she gets nasty... i can tell its going to be HARD work, and I'm not sure how long I can just hang around detached before I need to get out of the marriage, but I do know that it's all up to me, and i'm less anxious knowing that the decision, however hard, is in MY control -- and I'm not sitting around hoping and wishing and counting the days and setting fake deadlines for HER to decide she wants to quit drinking. Because if and when that ever happens... is totally out of my control, and that waiting would just make me crazier.
Looking forward to exploring the 12-steps, and taking control of my life and becoming less tormented by the crazy train that runs around my home....
Thanks to everyone for listening...