shutterbug

This must be short because feeling bad, but thanks all around.

I completely lost it the day I last posted here. I began crying uncontrollably at my desk (middle of newsroom) out of frustration, exahustion, confusion, feeling helpless and completely overwhelmed and my "Angel" (and my mom) took me to a crisis intervention center. I stayed 5 days (don't remember much of the first 3 though) and they got me on meds and then changed them a little on Monday and sent me home today.

Few will ever understand that these 5 days in the pysch ward were like a vacation on the beach to me. To me it felt like a full-service spa/lavish hotel. Being able to just "check-out" completely and not HAVE to think was near heaven. And since I've been having a hard time functioning, it was the most devine thing to have food to eat 3 times a day (plus snacks) and someone else to let me know when to take my meds and to wash my clothes.

————okay, I had a mood switch here and am alert again. These meds have me flip flopping about 10 times a day now!

(They have me on Depacote, Effexor and Visteril)

I also discovered something that really through me for a big loup! I have been having anxiety attacks for years and didn't even know it. See, I have been an asthmatic since childhood — which has always sent me to the emergency room every few years since I can remember. Well somehow I got addicted to cigs about 7 years ago (hummmmm? interesting) and the past several years I have smoked 1-2 packs a day. STUPID, I KNOW - VERY STUPID! Sooo, when I gradually started having more troubles with labored breathing, I started using my rescue inhalor more. In the hospital they monitored my inhalor and only let me use it 2 puffs every 6 hours. Well I can't stand to not be able to breath and asked the nurse,"Do you expect me to just suffer?" She told me to go stick my head in a hot shower - which brings back tramadic memories of my mom doing that when I was little and it ALWAYS made it worse - always. So I argued with the nurse and she told me that I was simply having an anxiety attack and gave me Visteril. I just knew it wouldn't do anything because after all I'm the one who has dealth with this for 28 years. Boy did I show her! The next day I (very sweetly and politely) walked up to her station and apologized over and over for my behavior. Her little anxiety pill worked! My breathing had became normal almost immediately without my inhalor. She simply smiled and said she completely understood. I'm still having problems knowing when I'm having an anxiety attack and when it's an asthma attack, but at least I'm not overdosing on albuteral anymore. Now I know that if it's not working, then it's most likely an anxiety attack. Wow! And I feel so relaxed and calm too!!!!!

QUESTION? I had thought anxiety attacks were something completely different (I thought I was having an anxiety attack only when I would have the racing thoughts). Guess I was wrong because the Viceril has done wonders for me. I'm just praying to God that they aren't addictive in anyway, because I already feel myself wanting one every 6 hours (as prescribed if needed), but is this because the drug is habit forming or because I'm finaly experiencing some relief from this for the first time?

The hospital stay helped me come more to terms with my illness also. I met several other bipolars who helped me connect a lot of dots. I received info in group sessions too that helped.

Trazadone: I wish I could take it because I'm still having sleeping problems Obviously. They gave me one Monday night and it knocked me out cold. I slept 8 hours straight through which was wonderful, but the next morning I had the worst hang over of my life - something like that anyway. So the Pdoc said he didn't want me to take it any more. They did have my on Remeron too which was also helping me sleep, but was giving me a HUGE appetite so the doc put me back on Effexor.

Emmanuel - I will keep what you said in mind and when I find a Pdoc to see locally I will ask him about your concerns.

My friend and co-workers have been figuring out the short-term disability stuff for me so that I can take my time to get use to the meds and see how they will work for me, etc. I am also going to look into social security benefits. I don't think I can get on long-term disability because I don't think I was paying any premiums for that, but I'm not sure. Work has been understanding, but it's scary because it shows how easily I can be replaced (they called in a local free lance photographer who use to work here).

Question #2: I don't know what to do about the job/income situation? Is there anything else out there besides social security that I can look into? And , this is where I'm confused because I love being a photojournalist (It's what I went to college for and have been working to build my career in) but if I'm not employed by the paper, then there goes my access to a great camera, press credentials for access to things and regular publication both locally and nationally! Do I give that all up in favor of my health? I also have goals for where my career was heading. Are those smashed now? Do I have to give up on my dream to travel the world for Time or National Geographic?

I do have two abstract photography business ventures in the works that I would love to have more time to do, but without a good camera - well it would suck. And I don't really even have a computer to do it with, although I have a friend who does (hummmm).

And how do bipolars ever commit themselves to ANY obligations what so ever? I don't even know from minute to minute if I'm going to be half comatose or bouncing off the walls - so how can I know if I will be able to function on any given day?

And how do you find a job where you don't HAVE to be on time and you don't HAVE to even show up if you feel bad or are unable to function????

When I'm slightly manic like I am now, I have so many questions and thoughts and plans and to do lists running through my head that it's kinda hard to focus, but kinda fun cause I never know what possible revelations I may have. The weird thing about the manias that I've been experiencing the last two days (with very fast turn arounds back to the depression) is that my head is going, but my body still feels like it's in very low gear. I'm guessing this is what's called a mixed state. Very weird to switch so fast, so many times a day. All it takes is a minute or so and then **BOOM**, opposite place from where I was! It use to switch slowly over several hours. Many times I didn't even realize my mood was changing because it was so gradual. Not this!

Problems:

• I've had a severe migrain for 4 days non-stop. Tylenol only works for an hour or so and then back to the pain liveweyerd was talking about. Decapitation sounds pretty good right now.

• Another problem is with my tongue. It started swelling yesterday and I forgot to tell my Pdoc. It is also sore (very similar swelling and muscel soreness to when I've had my tongue peirced a couple of times). I called the pharmasy and they said there's no drug interactions with the meds I'm on. I don't know about this one.

• And I still am having difficulties driving, communicating or thinking effectively. It worst during a depressive, but still there during a manic.


Sorry for the long reading, but I felt I had to get some of these thoughts down and it's so much easier for me to type then to go home and write it all down with pen and paper.

I know my HP has a plan for me and I just have to follow his lead and he will reveal my path to me, but doesn't he realize how impatient I am? I'd like to know. And he's also given me the ability to do anything I put my mind to (except math) so I know I will be okay, but I'm scared there is a dramatic change in store for my life.

God Bless,
Jenna

P.S. Any home based (fairly simple) business ideas or thoughts THAT REALLY WORK would be greatly appreciated. As would any information on income assistance programs such as Social Security which is the only one I know of.

Live: Is short-term disability the same as medical leave?