Julia -- I've been in your shoes and it took me FOUR years to get out of that mess. It was horrible and I almost lost myself forever. The only way that I was finally able to move forward was to go completely No Contact with him. Changed my numbers, changed my email addresses, everything! NO contact whatsoever. It was hard as hell but only for a short period--like 6 weeks maybe--then I started feeling the life coursing through my veins once again. The thing is, that if you keep the door open at all, you WILL find a reason to walk through it and start the whole horrible, confusing, nasty mess all over again. It's just like being a drug addict that allows just a *little* bit of cocaine to remain in the house. It never works.
Here's a poem that I stuck on my mirror and kept on my desk for MONTHS:
Life in 6 Chapters
I walk down the street...
there is a hole in the street.
I fall into the hole... but I do not know I am in it.
Finally I see the hole and try to get out.
It takes a long time to get out of the hole.
I walk down the same street..
the hole is still there... I see the hole.
I fall into the hole again.... but I recognize where I am,
and I want to be out of the hole.
It still takes a long time to get out of the hole.
I walk down the same street...
the hole is still there... I see the hole and
still fall into the hole again... it has become familiar..
But I have learned how to get out of the hole and..
Get out of the hole much quicker.
I walk down the same street...
the hole is always going to be there in this street.
I see the hole..... and recognize it.. and think fondly of it..
but I think I don't want to be in the hole again.
But I walk directly toward the hole and fall in again.
I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street...
the hole hasn't moved... I like the looks of the hole
Yet I remember I don't want to be in the hole...
I remember the feelings in the hole.. I veer away...
I walk around the hole and continue on my way.
I go for a walk.... I walk down a different street.
-- Unknown