Pigtails

Hi. I was here before and was all gung-ho and positive about not drinking for awhile, "as much" etc. And I would tell myself I was done drinking forever but I didn't really believe it. It was my first time realizing I had such a big problem and trying to address/fix it.

I think I was still very much in denial. I finally realized I was born an alcoholic & I'll die an alcoholic. I can choose what to do about it, but the basic fact of who I am doesn't change. Does this make anyone else feel horribly depressed?

After several attempts at not drinking and then a rather long spell of "controlled" drinking, with varying success [of course, I heralded my successful times and downplayed my not-so-successful times, or started feeling depressed/down on myself about them] I'm on Day 4 of not drinking. This time I realize it needs to be a permanent solution and not one I just explore or think might work for me, etc.

I've tried AA and individual counseling, and I'm considering trying one or both again but I'm not sure. What helped me the most was hearing/reading stories about other alcoholics. I felt I could relate and that I "belonged." But this is depressing, that I never feel "normal" or like I belong with "regular" people, and the one place I do belong or fit in is in a roomful of alcoholics, or reading about other alcoholics' stories, etc.

I just want to get my life on track to where I want it to be. I never wanted this to be my life. I had such big hopes and plans. I read about accepting things they way they are and being content, but, I hate that I let my life get to this point and I know it can be more.

The one thing I'm doing differently so far is being honest with myself about how big of a problem this is and doing whatever it takes to address it. My "best friend" was my drinking/partying buddy, and now I'm not friends with her anymore. This was more her decision than mine, because I have slowly started to "grow" up -- not drinking/going out/partying as much {and now not drinking at all}, focusing on my goals instead of on "having fun", finding a relationship that inherently took away from the amount of time I spent with her, etc. -- and she doesn't want me as a different kind of friend, she wants it like it was or not at all, so, we are not friends at all, but I've been realizing that it's a good thing and I guess it was inevitable. It hurts but it was inevitable. And it means I've slowly gotten rid of all my hard core drinking/partying buddies... whether purposefully or accidentally (they just don't call me up anymore, or, they were my friends through her, etc.) I took down all my drinking memorabilia and party pictures etc. I try to focus on my goals instead of thinking about drinking or not drinking {can't say I always succeed}. I try to stay productive instead of wallowing in self-pity {ditto}. I try to be honest with my boyfriend about how serious I think this issue is, and he is supportive.

Before there were two different mes... the non-drinking Pigtails, who wrote on here and went to AA for a bit and read about alcoholics and alcoholism, but still thought she could keep some aspects of the drinking Pigtails alive... as if it were only temporary and everything could be worked out. Now I'm realizing it is all or nothing. And the non-drinking Pigtails somtimes feels hopeful and motivated towards positive change but often feels depressed and worthless.

I just wanted to share. I am just looking to talk and to stay sober no matter what. I'm not particularly craving a drink right now but I was rather depressed and in a vegetative state today mentally and physically. I've been realizing that at least the last year of my life has been very zombie-ish, and that I've messed up the last 8 years or so of my life. I wonder if I've gone so far off track that I can't get back on even if I want to.