Well the first thing I want to say to you is not so much TALKING, but to send you a hug (((((((((((((TheViper))))))))))). I am sure I am not the only one here who can HONESTLY SAY, I feel this pain of yours. You see, yesterday, I TOO RELAPSED. I have been crying non stop since last night, being so DISSAPOINTED in myself.
However, the one thing I will NOT LET MYSELF (or my family who thinks they KNOW IT ALL), is HATE MYSELF or allow myself to feel a FAILURE, LOSER, OR UNWORTHY. My self esteem is obviously pretty much already in the ******* (I do not think too many truly HAPPY PEOPLE do drugs). I do not need to be beaten up. Not by family, least of all myself. Neither do you.
God knows my sorrow and remorse for failing Him and myself. God knows how hard I try EVERYDAY to not desire the DEVILS DRUG I put up my nose for years. My family spat at me last night how I am SO WEAK. I AM WEAK. I AM A SINNER.
And above all, I AND YOU my friend, HAVE A DISEASE. God knows I want to be well. He knows that the times I have stumbled, rather than GIVE UP on myself getting clean, I just start counting the days again (Yeah that part is a real drag, as we work so hard for each and every day). But something calmed me this morning and just told me. I DO NOT MAKE JUNK. YOU HAVE A PURPOSE. If I KEEP TRYING despite failures, He will get me there (and He will get you there too). Remember Matthew 17:20 when The Lord said "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
A mustard seed is a small little thing yes? Somedays My faith is at all time lows, however JUST A LITTLE BIT OF FAITH is all we need ok? Hang on to that sweetie. I managed almost 15 years clean before I scrwed up. I asked The Lord the same thing. WILL THE STRUGGLE TO NOT WANT THIS CRAP EVER LEAVE ME LORD? I do not have the answer (though I pray it is yes). Regardles, I do know with Faith we will be granted the strength to KEEP TRYING. I honestly do not feel if we do that much, and no matter how many times we fall on our asses, JUST GET UP AND START AGAIN, that He will not forsake us. Keep the faith and remember you ARE LOVED .
peace and Love,
Carrie