My ABF (baby's father) who is more like a roommate now than my sig other has only progressed into this disease of addiction and become more and more of a person I can't even say I like or know anymore. In my experience, and this is my first sig other experience w/ an addict, you can not do anything to change these people. Trying to change and nag only starts more arguments. I used to do that and found that I would become so upset and tangled up in his bad behavior that I started to go nuts as you have stated.
I am still accused almost on a daily basis of being a cheating, lying (fill in the blank). My time is micro-managed. I used to give him excuses as to why I would never do that, blah blah blah. Like my mom told me before, You CAN'T reason with a drunk (her father was an A). It is very true. I started taking the advice of some people from this site as well as my mom's advice and I try my hardest to ignore him now. Now, I have a plan in my head that will take a little bit of time to prepare for an escape route. Mainly, I need to save up some money, get my head back about me and work on my own recovery from the abuse I have put up with for years in so many different forms.
IF, and it's a big IF, he can get sober for himself and realize he has a problem, things may be able to work out. But, I think beating an addiction is such a hard thing to do and the person first HAS TO WANT TO DO IT. They have to realize THEY have to do it and they shouldn't expect support from anyone but themselves. That's my opinion. Because all my support has meant to my ABF at this point, is that I have supported his lies up to this point by just threatening to do things because of HIS problems.
I deal with the effects of an A on a daily basis. Some days are tolerable and some are just becoming downright unbearable. I just try to take myself out of the equation on the unbearable days and have been doing things that I like to do which I haven't done for myself in a while. I don't care what he thinks about me actually doing something for myself. He doesn't care about what he is doing to the relationship due to the alcohol.
I think as well as many others do that if your husband's drinking is affecting the relationship there is a problem. How you address that issue is up to you! Sage words of advice from my mom that were heeded WAY TOO LATE in my own relationship are, "Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?" Of course, I know the answer to that question for my own self. I guess for you, you need to figure that out for you.
Keep coming back here. I get so much strength from reading other people's stories and realizing that all of these A stories seem so much the same. It is obvious that it is a problem in many homes from all different walks of life.
Good luck. We will all make the right decision for ourselves when the time comes!