Welcome to SR!
I'm pretty new here and new to my own recovery so I don't offer much advise. However, there are some wise folks on this board. I am so sorry that you are in a place where you are now. I hate to see people hurting. You need to find a support group like Al-anon or Nar-anon and make friends in these places. I'm here because of an AH. I know that it is easy to alienate yourself. Going to a meeting will help you in that area. Posting here is very good too. Read everything you can on this board. Like I said, I'm new but there are some wise folk here that have been where you are at. Listen to them, they know.