Canterbell, I've felt the way that you feel and I've had the thoughts that you're having. I found a solution in AA. I mean, I don't want to sound like a recruiter or anything, but when I do what I'm supposed to do in AA, I don't drink, and you seem pretty desperate. I know you have your reservations about AA, but please consider finding yourself some form of face-to-face support. You don't have to keep doing this. You're not a stupid or bad person -- you're just someone who wants to stop drinking and doesn't know how.