I am so cross with myself.
I had a conversation today, with a friend not associated with SR, he is an online friend, the only one in the world who knows I am struggling with my drinking hablits. He was fairly supportive, he too has had a problem with his drinking.
The conversation turned to ghosts and shadows in our past. I knew as soon as the conversation started that I would get upset. I didnt know that I would want a drink as bad as I did.
Even as poorly as I have felt, (cold) I still ended up getting in the car and going to buy wine. I stood in the store looking at the shelves, I chose my purchases.
Its stupid, I am stupid.
I chose wine I knew I didn't like, as if that was some sort of pennance, to drink the wine I dont enjoy drinking??
I came home, realise I didn thave time to drink it before Housemate came home, so the only logical decision was to drink the bottle superfast.
What is wrong with me??? I want to badly to help support the good good people I have met in here, I want to listen and empathise and help. How can I do that when I am half cut?
*bangs head against wall really hard*
Im so sorry to all of you I have let down.