I'm on Day 9 and even though I haven't posted for a couple days, doesn't mean I haven't been on here reading everyone else's inspiring posts. I guess the last couple days I have just become at a loss of words. I thought I shouldn't go too much longer without the connection of this website and all who have helped me make it this far! :ghug3 I'm thinking if I don't interact, my distance may weaken my will to be sober.
So - here I am again, ready to share the craziness in my head that engulfed my day and night yesterday.
After a wonderful, sober anniversary weekend with my boyfriend, I started to panic and feel depressed about being alone all day on Monday. My boyfriend works and my son is in school all day while I'm home alone dealing with my inner demon and the loneliness that comes with it. So, basically, come Monday morning......I was the extreme bitch from hell.
Not only did I have a short fuse toward my boyfriend and my son....but also myself. To explain - one of my biggest "self-hates" from drinking comes from all the weight I've gained over the past 6 years from drinking, bar food and middle-of-the-night binges while blacked out. I went from being 108 lbs to 158 lbs and have never been more uncomfortable in my entire life! Even when I was pregnant with my son I never weighed this much. (I'm only 5'1") So, of course I looked in the mirror....cried....and yelled at myself as to why could I let myself get like this?? I even called myself a fat, ugly pig and more. I cried so much, I just went back to bed around 10:00 am and didn't wake up until it was time for me to pick my son up from school around 3:00 pm. Then after both my boyfriend and son were home, I was much calmer.....but still had sporadic short "bitch" fuses.
I guess I not only hate what drinking has done to my life in many other ways.......but I also hate the power it had to destroy the beautiful body I worked so hard to get and keep and treasured almost like an obsession. I even had a past of being anorexic for 7 years then ended up bulimic for about a couple years. My mind was wired to always stay thin and never let myself get fat. Wow - the power alcohol has to destroy.....I can't believe it myself sometimes.
Now, not only do I have to give up drinking.....but I also have to give up the foods I've grown to love! Plus....I have to start exercising again...which I've learned to hate. It just seems all so overwhelming all at once.....I just wish God would give me one more chance and make me 108 lbs again so all I would have to focus on is not drinking. Drinking used to cover up my extreme sadness of gaining weight, feeling uncomfortable and having absolutely no clothes to wear that fit me. (Even though, I knew the drinking was just gonna make me fatter!) Just another craziness of mine.
