Hi,
I'm new to the forums, and just want to say thank you in advance for all those on here contributing their stories, their triumphs, their insecurities, their routing each on, etc. This place is a real inspiration.
My history: recreationally started with Vikes 4 years ago. At one time, a Vike 500 would send me to the moon. That wore off within 7 months...then it took several to feel good. I have legit medical illnesses: an IDB disease, advanced stage Lyme disease, arthritis in my knees, and scoliosis. So, taking them helped me physically, and also having been diagnosed with clinical depression, it was a miracle drug.
I soon moved on to Oxys and was taking 40-60 mg/day for a few years. This past August, I entered an outpatiend program, and put on Suboxone. BIG HUGE MISTAKE. It nearly killed me. I was allergic to it, and it made my brain swell. I was on 4 mg/day strips for 4 weeks. I tapered down for 2 weeks, and was in w/d's the entire time: hot/cold sweats, crying fits, vomiting, stomach aches, no appetite, constant nausea, passing bloody stools, vomiting blood....I would have rather taken a bullet. I lost so much weight that I was scared I would have to be hospitalized and couldn't take the Sub anymore. I lost over 25 lbs in 2.5 weeks from the time I tapered down. I thought the diahrea and vomiting would stop. It didn't.
So, I got some more Oxy's so I could stabilize my body. However before tht, I tried the Immodium and the other pills the docs prescribe to help with the runs, but they didn't work. My body was quickly wasting away and even though i hadn't taken an oxy in 4 weeks, I was willing to have enough self-control to use them for a week and then taper as my body healed. I did it with 15 mg oxys.
It has been 11 days. The first four were tough. Except, unlike the Suboxone w/d's, I didn't have a bone-crushing headache...the Suboxone can make your brain swell in some people (they just don't tell you that). I got the typical runny nose, stuffed up sinuses, flu-like symptoms, aches, pains, and the diahrea and vomiting stopped.
I may be the exception to the rule, but the Oxy helped me (with God sent disclipline) to deal with the terrible ravishings that the Suboxone had on my body.
Again, I'm at day 11, and I thought I was out of the woods. Yesterday, I got extremely depressed (caught my boyfriend in a huge lie, plus it's depressing that he is a raging vicodan addict
), and drank an entire bottle of wine by myself.
Yesterday was the first day that the overpowering urge to use was at it's complete max. I fought it all the way...although, I drank it away.
I missed work today due to the hangover, and depression. I'm eating, and trying to focus on good things, but disappointed that i drank. And I am not a drinker...maybe 3 glasses of wine a year. No joke.
People talk about this depression - the mental part - that creeps up after the initial withdrawals. Well, here it is. I'm not on ANY medications for depression like I had for years. I quit those before I tackled my oxy addiction. The reason was that I was foggy, forgetful, complacent, and had gained a ton of weight, and never felt even "ok"on them.
Despite my battle with my oxy habit, I felt clear headed after a few months I stopped the depression meds. That gave me the inspiration to stop the oxy's.
So, thanks for getting this far with me here...my question is: What Now? How do you remain positive? I only have 11 days at being sober. I'm still sneezing, and have to push myself to get off the couch and go to work, and still can get bouts of the runs, but feel way better than a week ago.
I can't turn to my b/f because he is a completely emotionally numb addict that I'm planning on leaving eventually...we don't see each other that much, so he is not a constant reminder, except that his moods are night and day when he has, or has not had his fix.
I feel so alone. No one knows about my addiction. I live alone, so it is easy to hide. I just would love to have a hug right now or some positive words of encouragement.
Thank you for reading....