Welcome to the forum Turnforturn.
You are telling a lot of my story - I went back and forth on subs and oxy and had to fall quite a ways down to finally realize I could not handle oxys alone.
Now I, too, am dealing with all of the emotional BS as I get clean (30 days). One thing that is helping me cope is NA - I have met so many people going through my story that are happy and full of life and it has given me new hope.
Have you had a chance to look into an NA near you? Just a thought...it may help with this part of your recovery?