turnforturn

I just need to vent I guess, I'm new here... didn't want to post for the longest time, didnt want to get into a discussion about drugs.. I can hardly stand thinking about drugs... I want to talk about drugs, but I'd want to tell someone close, and I would sooner die than tell my family (especially after all those times I lied for money way back in the day), and I can't talk to my boyfriend because he is a straight shooter and he hates the topic.. addiction is weakness to him I'm pretty sure. He's got a job that puts him in the public eye and I remember one time we got into an argument because he wouldn't drive through the drive through pharmacy at CVS so I could pick up my subs incase anyone saw him and ever since then I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about this stuff. Plus sometimes when I talk about substances I don't like the way I ultimately end up feeling... dying with want... I feel like if I describe the way I did drugs it'll seem like i'm glorifying or romantisizing them ... I did just want to write "I had a love affair with coke"... haha... I probably shouldn't go on like that, but it's how I felt for years... and then because of that I basically got wrapped up in pills... it started harmless and recreational enough, but after a year it became a daily thing... injecting that stupid **** into my body in the grossest of ways but it made the stuff last longer, and I rationalized it saved me money... which was really important because after two years I was broke, in debt, losing my grip on reality, lying constantly for more money, stealing, and I hadn't even hit my rock bottom yet.. I can't even talk about that..

I get really angry about it. I'm angry at myself, and at the friends involved who participated in my use or helped me or whatever...

I remember the first time I hit withdrawal. Then the objective became very simple, avoid withdrawal. A bit over a year ago I got on subs... and the nightmare finally started to end. I was so damn grateful I know subs are not the answer, but they help you get there I guess... It gave me enough time to get away from all the people I used to know, get my life back in order, get into a different frame of mind. Now I'm sort of proud to say I'm off of subs... since late August... I get kind of nervous thinking about that though, it feels like it's been years since I stopped taking subs, but apparently it's only been a month and a half... that boggles my mind... !!!!!!!

The big thing for me now is learning to live my life without getting high every few hours. But I get frustrated that I constantly think about drugs... sometimes I think about cocaine, sometimes I think about oc's, and sometimes I think about subs... I even dream about it... can you believe it?? I have dreams where I find pills in my carpet, or I find them forgotten in the bottom of a drawer, and I'm so damn relieved.. and then I wake up...

I don't know what to think. I have a few things I can be proud of... a couple months ago I got hurt and instead of trying to get pills from the doctor the first thing I did was blurt out I was on subs and couldn't take pain pills.. I was so nervous... and once last year I found a baggy of some old coke in my closet, just a bump, and I flushed it down the toilet... but then other things bother me... like, I feel guilty about the fact that when I was trying to get off of subs, I used some xanax I had kept for a rainy day to try to escape how I felt.. did that straight for four days, xanax to lull myself into sleep.. but what was I doing keeping anything for a rainy day? But I never had a problem with xanax so it's okay? And those dreams... what would I do right now if suddenly I found that familiar little orange hexagon in a baggie in my closet??? I just don't know.. I get sick thinking about it... and I hate that I can't watch tv, or sit at work... and NOT think "wow... this used to be so much more enjoyable when I was high".... not think... "some day I'll be able to do those pills again.."... wonder if I will ever be that content again.

****.

Maybe I'm just having a low point. A bad day. I just am dying for the day I don't think about using anything.. or how much better whatever was when I was high... how easily will I forget the costs of all that? I haven't relapsed anything.. but the word "yet" always floats in my head.

Ugh. I'm so sorry to be such a downer!!!!!!

Good points: As frustrating as I might feel right now.. it's still better than going through all the hell of everything from before.

I feel a bit better already... these feelings always pass... I'd love to hear there are those of you out there who got past all this stuff... things turned out alright.