Thank you all. I was really struggling today and had kind of given up but reading these replies has been the kick in the butt I needed. No drinking today and I will definitely start looking for meetings in my area. I am embarrassed but today is a new day and I will start this process again. I know starting is the hardest which is why I'm so mad for relapsing.
Josh, I am starting to come around to your way of thinking. Have started going to church for the first time since my early teens. And in answer to what I'm changing in my life besides giving up drinking. I am working 3 jobs now and trying to generally lead a healthier life style. Less eating out, less negative in my life all around. I have lost about 40 pounds this year. Admittedly this last 9 days haven't been the best on my end but I will keep trying.
Oh and why did I go buy alcohol? Thats a question I don't really know the answer to. It was Sunday there was football on I was done with work...I dont know just getting in the wrong mindset all around. As much as I hate it I think I may need to stop watching football for a bit because that seems to be an instant mental signal that I should go buy some booze.