Hi Sad
I can relate to a lot of this with my own shots being vodka. For me its my wife who has to deal with my Jekyll and Hyde and all the promises , oaths and the rest we make are mired in what I think of a sick state of mind , body and spirit. I am thankful my wife is not a heavy drinker and the only time it enters the house now is on my slip/relapses.
The regrets and madness did not start in one day , it happens over time , the healing from what I read here and elsewhere happens over time.
From my own experience if you have been drinking a lot daily for days and days , go see a doctor. Halting heavy drinking can be dangerous for some people but only a Dr can let you know and help. Mine sure has helped me.
You took a step to come to SR and there is a lot of support here. It has inspired me to some lengths of sobriety in the past and is always here , 7/24 , when I need to get first things first again. Lots of links and information on further support on the forums and a whole lot of people who understand.