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10-10-2011, 11:44 AM

# 1 (permalink)

sadsoul2011

Member

Join Date: Oct 2011

Posts: 617

Day 1 -

Day 1: I’m disgusted with myself and what I’ve become. So sad. I’ve been drinking pretty steadily for 26 years except for breaks when pregnant. – wow, I’ve never written that down

. I’ve been getting worse lately; having blackouts and lots of anxiety. I started with mostly beer and mixed drinks, but for quite a few years I’ve been doing pretty much straight shots (mostly whiskey) and wine and beer for chasers.

I have a busy, stressful life (along with resentment over things about my life that I can’t control and/or change at this point) and when I drink I get happy for a little while and then really sad and have a big ole pity party for myself and then ?? – can’t always remember. My husband is the one who gets to deal with me.

We live far away from family and little-by-little I’ve let my friendships fade away. I’ve never been a real social butterfly, but now I mostly stay at home and work – sad. So, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. My family has no idea and my husband doesn’t really want to talk about it. Not to mention that I keep telling him that I’m going to quit and then….

.

My kids are getting older and I never thought I’d be a parent like this. I always told myself that I’d quit when we had kids…. They really aren’t around me much when I drink (they’re in bed) but I know that it affects them (my lack of patience and energy etc.) I often don’t do things in the evening/on weekends because I’m planning my schedule around getting home to drink.

I still go to work every day and keep the house up (pretty well anyway) etc… but I can’t help but think that those areas of my life will eventually suffer as well. My husband drinks (a lot) and shows no signs of stopping. He does seem to have more control than I do… It will make it harder on me to have it in the house. But, I’ve read enough on SR that I can still do it. Sometimes I don’t think he wants me to quit.

I’ve got to stop this madness! Can’t believe that I have continued to drink and feel emotionally and physically like crap almost every morning for such a long time. Can’t believe that I’ve drank more than half of my life away. How do you get past all the regret? All the embarrassment? All the feelings of shame?