broke up with ABF after two years, with three sober months out of 22. the sober ones were the best we'd ever had. horrible and terrifying, too, to be his support during the detox, but also a time when we grew stronger, more in love, friendship grew rock solid, without lady liquor forcing a menage-a-trois.
but he decided to start drinking again, thinking he could "control it this time," and swore up and down that if he couldn't, he would quit for good. spent the last four months switching between "worried about it," "working on it," and "it's not a problem, why am i lying to myself?" and of course, once a pickle, never a cucumber.
he is back to 15 beers a day, with an extra in the middle of the night so he can go back to sleep. he is miserable, depressed, and says he thinks about killing himself "all the time." he told me i deserved better than him, that i am in the prime of my family-making years, and i am wasting my time with him. bless his heart, and screw him for being so selfish. he told me i was his best friend, the love of his life, that he wanted to marry me, have kids, etc. he even has an engagement ring for me. but he said he wanted to get himself sorted out before he could commit. and that he was scared of committing to me because it meant he had to give up drinking. which was just so sad to me, to think, again, to have reaffirmed, that i will always be second to alcohol.
part of me is worried about his health and well-being...drinking, depression, and frequent thoughts of suicide are a recipe for disaster. while i want him to bottom out and push himself up, i don't want him to hurt himself (more than he already is). i have a perhaps naive hope that my leaving will force him to hit rock bottom, clean up, and then some day we can be together. i do love him, i want to be with him, but i know our relationship is intolerable, and completely dysfunctional at this point.
he has an appointment with a psychiatrist/addiction doctor this week, and part of me really hopes that he goes and decides to quit. even then, i think it would be weeks or months (or never?) until i took him back. and maybe he may not want me then. but he says that i am his best friend, and he does not want to lose me. i feel the same about him. despite the alcohol, he has been nothing but a good man to me; he has never laid a finger on me, raised his voice, forced sex, etc. (i know these are low standards, but i'm just saying). in fact, he has been there for me, through thick and thin, and been a huge source of support as i go through a really challenging period in my life. (but am i lying to myself here? he has been supportive, but what would a partner who is not betrothed to alcohol do, and how would he support me?) and i cannot imagine living without him; what it would be like if he were not in my life anymore. i guess i will find out. but for now, it feels like he has just died. i have been sobbing all day
i guess it is all still very fresh, but for now, it feels like there is a huge, gaping hole in my heart, or maybe even that my heart isn't there anyway; it's hidden under lock and key because it cannot stand to have any more pain.