nisa I know what you mean about the robot thing! Sometimes I feel like my emotions meter is set to -3. But when I was actively drinking it was always so much worse! I would drink for happiness blackout or pass out, wake up still drunk and agonizingly, slowly come down to reality. That tennis racket to the face type of reality (with a hangover.)
Your disease doesn't make you a bad person. Don't let the shame get the best of you, we all know what you're experiencing and sympathize with you. You can do this! Hope you keep posting and break out of the cycle!