hugs.
a few years I gave myself up to my addictions. I just stopped even trying to fight the good fight or get on track. I felt the way you did. Each day spiraling further into despair, each day leaving me with less and less reason to try to go on.
Then one day I was at a wedding, and I was out of my mind, drunk, binging on cake, flirting, making a total fool of myself. Ended up in the bathroom with my fingers down my throat trying to make myself puke, afraid I was going to topple head first into the john since I was not steady on my feet. Tears spilling down my face. This was supposed to be a happy event. but I was wretched. I knew it had to stop, because even going on like THAT was no longer an option.
I got clean, got into a program, and got hooked on drama. I will be dead honest, when I was focusing on MY recovery, things were ok, not every day a peach, but ok. It gave me a purpose. But I stopped focusing on recovery, and began to play the drama. and it all went to hell in a handbasket real quick.
All the misery rushed back in, even before I picked up again.Got clean again, focused on recovery. strung together a bunch of days worth living. Started focusing on drama...days got miserable, and I picked up. repeat a couple more times.
I pick up AFTER I stop focusing on my recovery. The hell returns, THEN I pick up. I am at a crossroads again. Now I know I have a choice, either get back to focusing on recovery and living, or keep focusing on drama and end up miserable and using again.
I can pick up drama anywhere I want to. I can get myself worked up over a novel, or find drama on these boards to get indignant about if I want to. Or I can seek the message of recovery in all the areas of my life, because it's there. I can laugh with a joke or decide to take offense. I can grumble that I had to stay late at work, or I can be thankful that I left at exactly the right time to catch a gorgeous sunset.
Drama is the thing I tend to set my recovery down for, and it leads to misery and it leads to me feeling despair and picking up.
My boyfriend got clean shortly after I did (this last time out). And last week, I was all about drama and misery and he got angry with me and snapped at how unfair it was that I coaxed him out of his shell, out of his misery, he had decided to just drink himself to death, and I'd gone and messed up his goal, and now that he has 16 weeks clean he just can't go back to his old plan of drinking hiimself to death. I ruined it for him!
He once thought the idea of drinking himself to death was "romantic", now he can't fool himself any more.
Me neither. I work up a full head of drama and despair, but it's just not the same, I can't quite fool myself. I know there is another way, may as well stay on target instead of going through the wash cycle over again. A taste of recovery has ruined it for me.
I am bored with active addiction