Justlizzyd

I have really had a sense of inner peace since I decided that I was no longer responsible for trying to save my AH and turned that over to God. I am no longer angry at God or my AH. I have been sleeping peacefully at night. I still feel sadness over the situation due to the fact that AH seems to be happy just being a “functioning” addict and not a recovered addict. However, that is his choice not mine. I am not sure about a life with AH. I have decided not to stress over that right now as I don’t feel like I am in any immediate danger but if I was or felt that I was things would be different. There was a time when I was in danger and too stupid/codependent to realize just how much. My kids (not his) are grown and on their own so I don’t have that as a concern. It’s just me and him. I am taking one day at a time trying to break this codependent cycle in my life. I have been getting legal advice in order to get my ducks in a row in case I wake up one morning and decide that I don’t want to live with AH anymore. Trust me; I am all about protecting everything I have worked for all my life. I think time working on myself will allow me the clarity to make better decisions. Anyway, believe it or not, I feel happy and I don’t know why. Lord knows nothing really has changed at home except maybe me. I don’t feel the turmoil inside that makes me want to explode and lash out. I don’t agree with my AH thinking on his “recovery” and he does think he is on a recovery path which in my mind he is not but this is what I told him. “You work on your recovery the way you see fit and I will work on my recovery as I see fit and we will see how it works out.” I just left it at that and guess what? I really just left it at that. That is progress for me. I have been turning to my HP for courage and strength to set boundaries and the courage to stick to them. I did tell AH that I would no longer due for him what he can do for himself. I have stuck to that so far. That is also a huge weight off of me. I think that has helped me with my anger issues because I know when I was enabling him by taking up the slack on things he needed because he wasted his money on his DOC, I stayed pissed off. I felt victimized by him when all along I was victimizing myself. He was just doing what addicts do and I was doing what codies do. In trying to control I lost all control of myself. I am trying to get control of myself by letting go of the illusion of control on others. I still have a long ways to go in my recovery as I am just getting started down that path however I am determined not to give up on myself. I am worth the effort. I deserve to be happy. I am noticing pattern behaviors that I have in my codependency and correcting them as best I can. However, sometimes I just notice the behaviors and slip into them unfortunatlly. I am really thankful to all of you. I read all the posts and all the replies. Some of you are hard but trust me, us newbie’s need the reality check and I am glad you are the way you are. Some of you are softer and we need that too. Everyone one of this board is different yet we are all here for the same reason pretty much. It is a blessing to have this place. Thanks for letting me share.