Scared and Confused
I am new and this is my first post.
I have been drinking everyday for the last 6 years. It has gone from a few beers a day to the point where I could drink 1 pint of vodka and some beers each day. I have gained 50 pounds - the alcohol has been so powerful that even being an anorexic and obsessed about my weight, it didn't matter to me anymore. This all started after my separation and divorce after 12 years of marriage. I am 38 years old and have had a wonderful boyfriend (although he drinks occassionally or sometimes when I do to "just put up with me") that has been by my side and gone through hell and back with me for the last 6 years. I also have an 11-year-old son in the middle of all this.
Anyway, I'm on only my 3rd day of sobriety and am bound and determined to quit drinking. I have come to completely hate the person I see in the mirror everyday. My issue is that I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm seeing so much more in my life and actually "feeling" a whole lot of different emotions that I used to just cover up with alcohol. I can't sleep at night and always am up late. It's almost like I'm scared to go to sleep. I am agitated over everything and crying at the drop of a hat. I have the nightmares and cold sweats when I do fall asleep. I am experiencing the feeling of loneliness everyday when my son goes to school and my boyfriend goes to work. (I'm home alone all day because I lost my job of 4 years...yes, because of my drinking.) I also feel extremely lonely and cry when they fall asleep at night and I'm still up. I quit drinking to make my life better and be better towards my family.....but, it seems that's not what has been happening. I feel like my whole last 6 years keeps flashing before my eyes...all the regrets, all the things I've missed. I just feel like a mess. I feel like I'm still putting my family through hell along with myself. I just don't understand what is happening to me....I thought good things happen when you don't drink.