Again, I appreciate the honesty and advice. I know whats gone is lost and cannot be found, but i have a huge issue in not being able to maintain my sobriety(it is sobriety) simply cuz i feel i am a bothersome and/selfish every time I try. excuses. aside from my problems, I cant forget or let go of everyone Else's. But yes, I do have bigger fish to fry. I just CAN'T not feel anything for him , and yet i believe he either wants me to leave him alone or cant make up his mind or have respect to be honest and tell me he has a problem and alot of that ails in the toxicity of he and I. I feel ridiculous, but everyone is right, I need to work on myself 1st and foremost! but in the back of my mind, i also know that coming to grips w/scope and figure of myself wont bring back the dead. As female and childish as it sounds, I will never cross paths w/other "him". but maybe one day I'll be in recovery consistently, and be able to handle myself and someone else that is better for me in my life of happiness. I think too far ahead, and not so much for here and now. I am not relationship material, especially @this point in my life. But if I could do that, he would be someone I would want to challenge that with. But obviously not true as opposed to "Him" now. and now, it's just how much I care about him and dnt want to see him suffer and individually care about his well being. I've seen too many GOOD ppl go
but, how is someone in my position, supposed to watch this **** go on, yet, care, and ever even thinK about devising a plan to address it?! I cant exactly walk through the halls of help/recovery w/someone when I need to be there myself. Selfish or not focused?