I dont know what to do and I need advice. I am new to this site so plz bear with me. Here's whats up: in the fall of 2008 i had just moved out on my own and started being independent, and i was also the most sick i've ever been. i've had an eating disorder since i was 14 yrs old. I am now 23. and it sucks and is taken 1day @ a time. anyhow, as soon as i moved into the city, i happy~ accidentally met someone i will never forget. it was purely lust @ first, then quickly came to the realization that it was much more (in my head). got super scared. weighed all my options, and continued to go down hill. I was @ the point where if I didnt get help I would most likely have died. yet somehow, i was able to hide this from him? i sensed his vulnerability and empathized his hidden issues as well. a connection indefinitely, but neither of us were good @ speaking and would never say what we felt. we we're both night owls and hung out almost every other day for 3mos. I couldnt handle my life anymore, tried to start that conversation and had to make up a story to get off the phone i was so ashamed
I bailed and moved to south FL to go to rehab for my eating disorder. That failed miserably! so bad, I even called him to ask for help getting me home. I've never felt more low. I came and went several times since I left in Dec '08 til I moved back in Oct '09. Made hellacious messes and made an ass out of myself right in front of him. when I came back, not only did I still have a problem, I had become addicted to Xanax. I quickly got off that roller coaster and have never looked back! but still deal with the other things. after all that, we were still friends, and maintained contact. but the 1st thing i encountered returning is that is now a full blown alcoholic. He wont answer my calls, return any messgs, or answer the door. and it's not just me. he barricades himself from most ppl, wont talk, and is alone alot. but manages to work 40+ hrs a wk! he tells me to go away, stay, is an *******, but sweet. he doesn't know what he wants right now? then avoids me for 6mos. I cant continue this way, and it breaks my heart, but I love him to death! I'm in love w/him. and he cant respond back. I feel psycho. I think maybe he thinks i'm crazy, unattractive, insane for saying I love him not knowing him that well. But truth be told, no one knows him except him. I dnt know what to do. Does he want me in his life and need time? am I supposed to wait? how long? or are these obvious signs of someone telling you to **** off. Yet when he is "reachable" he says he doesnt want me to leave him alone. IDK what to believe! I make excuses for his behavior because I'm the one that left. But I HAD to! And i couldnt drop that bomb on him. He now is fully aware. I think maybe he is ashamed or doesn't need another mess in his life. Or he thinks im totally delusional and doesnt have the heart to tell me its over. But if I was pissing him off or he wanted me to drop off the planet, HE would tell me! It is killing me and I'm making myself more sick thinking about it 24/7. I just want him back. and Idk how to get him. if he wont respond to me in anyway, is he sleepwalking through his illness or should i walk away w/some pride?