Over It
Well you all know this story so it hardly seems worth telling. Been drinking every day for twenty years now, though I was sober for nearly two years after I turned 30. Now approaching 40. The drinking definitely seems to have gotten worse in the last few years, in part because I've moved on to hard liquor (which I never really drank before). But you just can't get a good enough buzz on beer alone, now can you?
The last few months have been the worst. Messing up my relationship with my wonderful wife, saying cruel things when I'm drunk, pushing her away. I feel like I've isolated myself (and for the last month or so have worked hard to reverse this).
So after a weekend of drinking I figured -- c'mon, man, do three days a week sober, you can do it. You don't have to quit. Just three days, you can still party the other 4.
Well, it's three days later and I was drunk for two of them, including last night, and the one day I wasn't drunk it really had more to do with being just plain tired rather than strength of character or commitment. And still had a few beers then, too.
I don't know what to do. I'm scared to be sober again but just sick and tired of drinking. Until 5 o'clock rolls around, of course.
What the hell am I supposed to do? I need support but don't want to go to AA (too small a town), and though I say I need support there's also a big part of me that is bucking hard at the idea of "rules", much less sobriety.
Frustrated. Deeply so.