dbh

I'm an adult children of an alcoholic (ACA) and have been working on my recovery for almost four years. My parents divorced over thirty years ago, my alcoholic father passed away last year, and I rarely see the other members of my family of origin. I've been happily married for 13 years to another ACA and while our life isn't perfect, it is good.

I often wonder why I still hang out here. Why do I need a site like SoberRecovery? A good friend of mine once told me that in any 12-step program you should make sure that you stick around until the miracle happens. I guess that's why I'm still here ... still waiting for the miracle.

This week I got a glimpse of the miracle. On another post, someone was expressing how sad it is that we can't "save" the alcoholics in our lives. I was able to truly related to that feeling. I wanted to save my father until the day he died. I also have a brother who is struggling and I am occasionally up at night wondering what I can do to help him get his life on track.

There were two other responses on the thread that made me think. To paraphrase ...

1) Accepting our inability to save is the work of Steps 1-3.
2) Trying to save someone actually takes away their dignity.

Wow!

I did a little step work yesterday and I came to the conclusion that I haven't completely given up the idea that I'm in control. I've been able to detach, but in a twisted way I think that me detaching will cause the people that I love to change. A part of me STILL thinks that what I do/don't do matters way too much.

In the case of #2. I really need to think about this more often. I grew up in a family where we were always "saving" each other or at least telling each other how to think/feel/act. I'm almost 50 and my mother will still occationally tell me what I "should" do and it drives me crazy.

"Saving" isn't good. "Saving" doesn't help. My attempts to "save" are part of the problem! How in the world is anyone going to be able to pull themselves out of the grasp of addiction/dysfunction when they are surrounded by people telling them what they should be doing!?!

My codependency formed when I was young. When you live in a chaotic home, you NEED to believe that you have some control. As a child, realizing that I had no control would have just been too scary. Becoming codependent probably kept me relatively sane.

My home is no longer chaotic and I need to accept how powerless I actually am.

While this might initially make me feel sad, frustrated, and scared. Hopefully over time, this acceptance will bring me peace and serenity.

Thank you for letting me share.

db