being somewhat new here...I hope I can put this correctly.
I am struggling to keep from being sucked into the black hole of a bf's alcoholism. No matter WHAT I might think/ want.. it is what it is. The reality is that as long as he continues to be an alcoholic..I will suffer the results, UNLESS I AM ABLE to walk away, physically and emotionally. If I stayed, and condoned, accepted, "understood"... then he has no motivation or reason to stop.
He may not INTEND the hurt or pain...but the intent becomes secondary to the reality. I can (and have) driven myself nuts, attempting to understand, or analyse the reasons, because I tend to work on what I see as logic. My logic says that if you "love" a person, or are harming yourself..then it is logical that someone would stop doing that, which harms another.
Keep in mind..I am in far better of a place than many spouses here, whose partners have destroyed their family's finances, have physically threatened or harmed others, whose children have no parent, because the addict's entire world is focused on his/ her own need to use, whether it be alcohol or drugs. In a sense, I am lucky to be able to walk away with no hurt further than my own emotions.
You are right, they may be delusional. For most of us, it is NOT POSSIBLE to live in a world of illusions. We have to live with the hard reality. For my xbf.. he somehow seems capable of totally blocking out any reality of having hurt me, or been responsible for conflict around his actions. In HIS MIND... none of it relates to him being drunk.
I can't live with what the actions are.