Why is it so much harder this time to remain sober?
Hello folks! I joined SR almost 3 years ago. At that time I had hit my rock bottom, hated who I was and needed to make a change. From the time I made the decision to stop using and drinking I was strong in that decision and I made it over a year sober. Soon after a year sober I had a miscarriage finding out at my 12 week ultra sound that our baby died of down syndrome. Sadly I relapsed because I could not deal with the pain. I drank 3 times on seperate occasions (getting drunk) which of course depressed me even more, so I hopped right back on the wagon and with ease. A few months later I suffered another miscarriage but dealt with the loss in a healthy manor thankfully! Within another few months I finally became pregnant again, and delivered a very happy and healthy baby girl last December.
Somehow during my pregnancy I convinced myself that I had stopped for very good reasons at the time that I did, but I could "control" it this time. Within a few weeks I knew I made a very bad decision, and again stopped. I made it another several months sober, even started to go to therapy. But this time it was harder to stay sober. I was angry that I had this problem and was not "normal". Yet again I convinced myself that I was not going to let it control me. If I could be strong enough to quit for months to years, then how could I not be strong enough to just drink like a regular person can? So again I picked up and pretended that nothing was wrong. I gave myself rules, like not drinking during the week. Which I have followed, but now every weekend I am so excited to drink and even don't plan doing things because I know I'll probably be hung over or too tired! I clean less, I exercise less, I'm eating less healthy. The list of negatives can run on and on!!!
I am an over analytical person, my mind quickly gets the best of me. I know what I am doing is wrong FOR ME! I have to stop comparing myself with others around me. I want and need to start living a healthier life again. I have gone to AA in the past, it's having the time to go that I struggle with. How am I suppose to make enough time to go to meetings, work full time, spend time with my family and exercise? My husband doesn't think that I have a problem, however he supports me with whatever decision I make being sober or not.
How do I find the strength within myself again to remain sober? Not only for me, but for my children??