I wanted to give ya'll an update.
I graduated as an LVN. It was a rough 6 mos..to say the least. We basically were on a handshake deal til I finished school. Right before school finished I told him I wanted out. He was all shocked and upset. Then he got mad. Said he would fight me for the kids and that's what got me. He has been the primary parent for the past year...and looking at just the fact I've been totally focused on getting through school he COULD get them...if you ignore the past years of A crazy behavior which a judge may ... you can't count on them to do what is best anymore...and because he lets them do whatever they want I think at least one may choose him to live with if asked..so I said okay...we'd try to make it work. AGAIN.
I cannot loss my kids.
So I'm here. It's been a month since graduation. Just passed my NCLEX-PN on the first attempt and am about to look for a job this upcoming work.
He's still sober. Over a year now. But I still feel lots of anger. I'm back in Alnon after taking some time to concentrate on my final semester of school. It really helps me.
I am having a hard time w/ adjusting to being out of school. It's hard to fit back into my kids lives and my life the way it was. I have zero motivation to do stuff like cook and clean. I'm in a rut. I do think I'll be better once I have a job and more structure in my days. I don't know. I'm trying. I am really making the effort to be willing to do the things he likes to do, and have more than once dropped everything to go do something with him. I got the feeling I was being set up to fail...if I said no...I wasn't trying etc.. Just a real PITA to deal with. But I'm trying...still trying.
I love my husband. I do.
But I don't love the way he makes me feel. I don't like having to second guess everything I say or do and wonder how long til he pulls the "i don't love you anymore" card out again...and he will. I have no doubt he will.
I'm trying to find trust in him. I'm trying to see the good. But It's hard.
I'm waiting til I have a job and get back into a routine before I decide what I want. I'm not sure yet. I don't know if this is where I want to be. I just don't know.
So here I am.