When I was told my AH wasn't drinking/using "at" me, he was just drinking/using, it made all the difference in the world for me. Until that point I took offense at his use, it seemed like an insult that he had chosen to use, rather than choose me. It softened my bitterness and opened my eyes to a whole world of compassion for him (and no - not "codie" enabling compassion). I could look past the stranger in front of me and see the pain of the man I once knew.
My AH has never been abusive or threatening and I often wonder if he becomes that way whether I will lose this compassion.