primafacie

Hello all, (and if you're not in the mood for a story (i.e. tl;dr) - just skip down to the part about "Why the post then?")

I'm new to the forums here, in search of some advice from those who have been through the same kind of mental questioning I have. Apologies in advance for being so verbose, I just want to provide a clear backstory...

My dad is an alcoholic. It still feels weird for me to say that, because for my entire life, he's been a functioning alcoholic and for the majority of my life I never viewed him as such. He had a steady job, he was a wonderful father to me, he would just drink beer from the second he got home until he went to bed. He never stumbled or slurred, really... just drank all the time. He also hit the harder stuff in the middle of the night because he always had trouble sleeping (I'm talking gin and pure grain alcohol, straight up...) My dad is a usually quiet, kind, loving soul, who in my now adult opinion, has always seemed to have a sad side that never gets discussed. The only time I can recall his drinking affecting me as a kid were the few times he'd say something embarrassing when I'd have a friend over. Other than that, there was one major event that scared me to death when I was in college - I was still living at home and returned home for a moment to grab something from my room. When I came in, the house was dark like everyone was asleep, which I assumed my parents were as I walked up to my room. I noticed the bathroom light was on, and figured it was on for me when I got home so I could see my way up the hall. Well, I got to the end of the hallway and looked over and saw my dad in the empty bathtub, bleeding from the head. I started freaking out and calling his name, and he looked over at me in a haze. He kept trying to talk, but he couldn't get any words out. I went over to him and tried to help him. Then my mom came out of the bedroom and told me just to leave him alone, he was hammered, and he could help himself to bed if he felt like it. I know she was angry, because she had dealt with things "behind the scenes" for their entire marriage, I'm sure. All I wanted at that point though was to get him into bed and make sure he was okay. After that, we didn't really talk about what happened. My dad just said he was sorry, and everyone went on about their business.

I suppose it is important to mention that I'm an only child, and because of that I'm pretty sure I have been sheltered beyond belief. I have my own struggles with depression and anxiety, and I think that is in part due to the fact that I have no coping mechanisms most of the time. I don't think I ever felt comfortable enough to really talk about things like what happened with my parents, and I think they were content not to further the discussion and just move on without worrying about seriously upsetting me since I tend to be hypersensitive to anything worrisome or troubling. My family never talked about my dad's problem - it was handled between my mom and dad, and that was that.

Well, flash forward to five years ago - I met a guy, fell in love with him, and moved to be with him in another state 8 hours away. About a year and a half after living there, I got a call from my mom letting me know that my dad had lost his job. (He is now in his mid-sixties) I was shocked and asked her what happened. As it would turn out, the company he had worked for had administered a random breathalyzer test (or maybe not so random, I'll never know) and he had failed it. He had driven to work still drunk. My mom said that they had talked about everything and adjustments were going to be made, that I didn't need to worry, just be supportive and pray for him. I just felt bad because I couldn't be there.

In the meantime, my parents started going to AA meetings, my dad got his chips, and their church helped pay for his detox medications. As far as I have been concerned, he stopped cold turkey. My mom alluded to the fact that it was a very difficult process, as he had been drinking since he was a child, for reasons related to his childhood and his own father being an alcoholic.

Every time I returned home, everything was fine. My dad looked great - he had his color back, lost some weight, and he and my mom had even started working out together and eating healthier. He seemed genuinely much happier. That's been the story ever since - he worked things out where he retired a little early and now he keeps himself busy around the house, working outside on the gardens and ponds, and volunteering four days a week. My mom continues to work full time.

Why the post, then?

Well, the relationship I had out of state did not last. And about three weeks ago, I moved back home and am currently living with my parents. Things have been going well. I'm here a lot of the time and try to help out with household chores until I find a job.

So about a week ago I was watching tv pretty late at night, after my parents had gone to sleep. I had to go to the bathroom, so I decided to use the one downstairs, which is pretty much just my dad's - he keeps all his toiletries and such there. I was looking for a new roll of toilet paper in the cabinet above the toilet and when I opened the cabinet door - there sat a bottle of Golden Grain alcohol, about 80% gone. I didn't know what to do. I told myself to just calm down and not worry about it, don't jump to conclusions. So after some deliberation, I decided I would just monitor it and if it seemed like it was getting refreshed on a regular basis, then I'd figure out how to confront the situation. On night 2, the bottle was there, but now it was almost 80% full. I wasn't sure if it had been refilled from somewhere or if a new one had appeared, but the liquid level was different. The next 2 nights it stayed the same. But the next night a bottle of body wash had been put right in front of it.

So... now I'm stuck in a position where I don't know what to do.

I JUST moved back and now I feel like a troublemaker. Do I say something to my dad? My mom? The two of them together? Do I just wait? Is it ever okay for a recovered alcoholic to keep a bottle on standby in case of the shakes or something? Can a recovered alcoholic drink again socially, but with control? I know it's not likely... not to mention, my mom told me before I moved in that we don't keep alcohol in the house at all anymore. I'm worried even more because he takes an antidepressant and I know that those and alcohol don't mix. I think a lot of his drinking always came from the fact that he does not sleep well at all, whether due to allergy issues or just being depressed.

I obviously don't want to strain their relationship or start something. I don't want to accuse my dad of something that may only look bad, but has a reasonable explanation. I don't want to alienate my dad from me. I don't want to upset my mom again. I wonder if he's hiding it from her or if she knows about it. Nothing usually gets by her, and she's a very smart woman. I can't see her not "checking up" on his hiding spots from time to time.

I know that before I moved here, when my mom was gone at work, he would have a few periods where he would be alone and it would be possible for him to drink and then get better before she came home again. I wonder if my moving back here has been stressful on him in that capacity... I just don't know. There are a million thoughts going through my head.

I felt inclined to post today because when my dad got home from his volunteering today he came up to my room to give me some mail and I asked him to come and look at some pictures I took. I did want to show him but I also wanted him to get close enough where I could smell if he had been drinking. I feel like I did actually detect something on his breath. It could have been nothing, he smokes too and maybe that contributed. I just don't know if I'm being paranoid or what.

Anyway, if you have managed to read through this entire diatribe, I thank you immensely. I just need some advice from outside sources. I talk to my best friend about it, but I feel like the more input the better since this is a huge decision. I'm starting to get very anxiety-ridden about it all and want to know if I'm panicking for no good reason or if I should say something. I love my family so much and I just want everyone to be healthy and happy.