Megan - We all have lists of what we need and want in a partner, what our values are etc. My list used to have, quite literally, about two things on it. I can look back and see how dysfunctional that was. A big goal I have for myself is to have enough self awareness and self respect to have a list. A fleshed out list that represents me. It has been shockingly hard work and I'm not done. I also need the tools to both make decisions about who I get involved with and then also let people go if they don't fit my list. To look out for and respect myself enough to ensure that my most important needs, wants, and values are protected. I don't date and have no intentions of dating because I don't trust myself at all yet in that regard.
My list is not a reflection of other people. It is a reflection of *me*. I have never dated a short man because I am very tall and I would feel ugly, awkward, inferior, and self conscious. There are no doubt some super fabulous catches out there that are 5'2". It isn't a statement about the short man. It is a reflection of me, my feelings, my needs. That is one that was always on the list btw. I will not date a present or former addict because I would feel exhausted, afraid, and wary all the time. I would second guess everything. Why would I sign up for that? There are plenty of men out there. I can honor my list. I also need a man with a full time job, his own things, no debt, volunteers, and a whole bunch of other stuff that never appeared on my list before. All based on my values and past experiences that shape me into who I am today. Of course half the country has debt and that doesn't make them bad people or unworthy of a relationship. It just trashes my security so it isn't a good fit for me.
Terminally Unique - I would not expect someone should have to tell me all their past if we were casually dating. I certainly don't do that. If I was in a serious relationship and someone withheld or skirted around the issue of past addictions and I found out my trust would likely be obliterated and to be very honest - I'd see it as more con games and half truths, which I'm all to familiar with. Also, there is nothing on this planet that could guarantee me a person with a past addiction would never drink again. I might have faith, based on current behavior and some significant history, that they would not but I would never be 100% certain/guaranteed.
Perhaps the 'guarantee' issue is why addiction is on my list. I can't get there. It is a risk I am unwilling to take and perhaps that is because I do not trust that i am strong enough to walk away rather then start dancing like a mad woman again. Once again, it all about self - not the other person - at least for me.