No more lurking
Hello all,
S0, this is my first post, have been lurking for a couple of weeks, and figured it was time to introduce myself, tell a bit of my story.
I’ve drank off and on for about 30 years, and finally came to the realization several years ago, that I am NOT one of those who “can just have one.” I’ve gone through times where I drank everyday with friends, going to the bars, sleeping and then getting up and doing it all again. I’ve gone through times where it was just a “weekend” thing. Somewhere and somehow in between, I graduated to drinking alone every night after work but was always able to go to work the next day. I recall thinking that I was a “social drinker” and was fine with that for years. But, I always seemed to get myself into trouble on the inhibition front… as in I had none! I would never do sober, what I did drunk! I ruined just about every relationship I was in because I always wanted what I couldn’t have… and most times would get what I couldn’t have, and then “wake up” to the realization that my life had taken yet another turn… and just move on with it. Meaning, “Oh look, here I am in yet another relationship” after having to climb over bodies to get there. I’ve been with women and IN relationships, that I NEVER would have chosen sober!
Epiphanies come in small doses for me… for instance, my memory is shot… cognitive abilities are questionable… with the final conclusion that its all due to alcohol abuse. Funny thing is, it hasn’t been difficult to accept that I’m an alcoholic, but its been like pulling teeth to accept the consequences of this long and drawn out behavior! I look back at my life and say, “where did it all go, and what in the hell have I done with my life?”
I quit drinking, cold turkey… on October 5, 2010… and guess what? I relapsed 11 months later, to the day…. That 11 months wasn’t all hell per-se, but I did have some gnarly white knuckling going on at times, but never really for any “reason.” I read a post in here awhile back that summed it all up for me…
“When I first grasped the idea that I'd have to quit for good, it was like breaking up the best/worst relationship I'd ever had, dumping my best friend and kicking the cat all at the same time. I didn't think I'd ever, ever be happy or have a good time without alcohol”
Nothing seemed to be fun, no joy… just irritation that would ebb into anger. I guess I finally snapped on Labor Day. I gave in to that alcohol voice finally… you know the one, always whispering in the back of your thoughts? I relapsed, and I got caught (which is a whole other story in itself, because that very situation became the gravity in which I find myself today).
Anyway… LONG story short… I’m 15 days sober… and back on the proverbial wagon. I’ve considered AA for the first time in my life, because my relapse showed me, that I have absolutely no power over drinking and NO support… and then I stumbled upon this site, while searching for anything agnostic, as opposed to fire and brimstone. Don’t get me wrong, AA is a beautiful thing for those who it works for… I on the other hand, am in no place to tolerate much these days. This site has been a breath of fresh air, and I hope to be able to glean support, and give that support!
Thanks for listening to this somewhat choppy story, cause believe me, there’s so much more, in between the chops~!
FJ