It sounds like you used because you're an untreated addict.
If it wasn't her, it would be something or someone else to blame. For me, the excuses to use, good or bad, were infinite. My addiction is happy to take whatever reasons it can get.
Also, the more it can get me pissed off at people, the better. Isolation benefits my disease -- it wants to separate me from the pack so it can slaughter me.
So many of us come in toxically resentful. We are angry at the world and angry at ourselves. Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more addicts than anything else.
The anger, guilt and shame drive us deeper into the mire, where it seems there is no escape but to use again, telling the world to f*uck off. Either people will do things our way, or they should leave us alone to die, right? But we can't wish these feelings away anymore than we can wish the addiction away, right?
Yet, there is a solution. I found a way out -- freedom, happiness and joyfulness on the other side.
I got dead tired of being driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, and then having to face the consequences for my actions, which usually weren't what I wanted either.
It was no way to live, clean or using.
If you're interested in surviving, not just in getting free from the hell of the drug cycle, but experiencing life in an entirely new way, you may seriously want to consider abandoning yourself to a program of recovery.
Best gift ever.
With much love,
SIU