Part 4
I did all this to myself. I got overwhelmed, I went into depression. I felt like I had no worth anymore, felt like I was letting people down, people who believed in me. I was also taking prescribed meds in the beginning to help me sleep, and to get over the panic attacks. I didn't want to take those anymore. So, I stopped them. Made things even worse, now I had to replace the meds with the drinking, just so I could go to sleep. Started drinking really heavily. I was now up to about 14 beers a day. I did this for close to 3 months.
Then one day, I noticed that I already had 3 beers, and it wasn't even noontime. That's when I first came here. I researched alcoholism, and it led me here. I drank the rest of that day, but I was also posting here. The next day I woke up, I still had 5 beers left. I opened them, and poured them down the drain. I isolated myself for about 3 days, wouldn't even leave the house, too afraid I would pick up more beer. I wanted to get better !!!!!
Had a lot of sleepless nights, but kept going. Had to clear my head first before I could do anything. Finally got a contractor, that will replace my sub floor, and who will put my kitchen cabinets in. Soon, I will not feel like I am living in a barn. Will actually get some light into this place. It's an older log cabin with wood on the walls and the ceilings, and not enough windows to let light in.
After my sub floor is replaced, and I get the carpeting, I will actually put up my TV. I have not put a lot of things on my main floor, because I would just have to move them to have the sub floor replaced.
I should be living like a real human being in about 2 months. But right now, this is my castle, because I am not living with the daily abuse.
I do intend to go to house sales, etc... for furniture. When I lived with my friends they did this all the time. A lot of the furniture was really priceless, and I know how to refinish them. My biggest problem here, that got me overwhelmed was, 1. I never lived alone. 2. I can paint walls, but what do you do with wide plank walls and ceilings? 3. it was dark here, and I can't or won't do electric work. 4. I felt like a failure.
But I know that I can do this, I guess maybe #5. would be, I don't like asking for help, I found out that I need to.